It is getting easier.

It happened.

I completely broke down and exploded with the raw emotions I have been feeling over the last few months. It was wine induced of course but it was also the beginning of the true path to peace for me.

I coincidentally had a scheduled counseling session the day after. I also decided it might be a good idea to speak to my doctor about my thoughts. We decided that I would begin taking an anti-anxiety and depression medication supported by regular counseling. This will last for 6 months at which point I will hopefully no longer require medication to deal with my emotions.

4 weeks after that decision this is what I can tell you. I have not had a drop of alcohol and I have put the cupcakes down. My mind feels more organized and I can begin to process my feelings one by one, filing them once complete. I am exercising and eating healthy (I have lost 9.2 pounds in the past 3 weeks). I am enjoying every moment with Aiden and beginning to have many better days and truly accepting what has happened.

My goal is to find peace and remove the anger, guilt and sadness from myself. It may take weeks, months, years or forever. But I am working on it.

There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of Caleb. I will always wonder about him and what his life could have been. He forever holds a very special part in my heart.

For my son that is with me, my soulmate that loves me, and myself... I must now find peace. 

Yesterday was my birthday...

And thanks to my wonderful partner, it was a pretty good day. I am forever in his debt for that because all I ever really wanted to do was lay on my couch all day drinking wine.

Thank you for not allowing me to fall down.

Caleb's estimated due date is 25 days away and every day that nears closer the more I think about him.

I never thought I would hate the month of April as much as I do now. It will forever symbolize the month my 2nd baby should have been born.

I have no other choice but to move forward.
This really sucks.

The Green Blanket

I signed up to be a vendor at a bake and craft sale that took place in late November. I had purchased a green blanket for Caleb while I was there. That day I stuffed it into my bag with all my other vendor supplies and it had been sitting in my trunk since last night.

DH was cleaning out the trunk and put the bag in my office. When I was going through it this morning I found the blanket. It will eventually make its way to Caleb's memory box but for now it will remain in my office.

It still feels like yesterday.

I have been busy.

This is how I am dealing with things. I get busy, and I eat lots of junk and drink lots of wine and just try to focus on the future. My future without Caleb.

I am so fucking angry and so incredibly sad and yet some how every single day I am able to put a smile on my face and pretend that I am not dying inside. I am only allowed to pretend for so long before those feeling leak out of my system and I am left crying uncontrollably.

So fuck you to the doctors and your bullshit tests and machines and diagnosis!
Fuck you to all the women out there who have perfect little babies!
Fuck you to the universe who just keeps knocking me down!

This is my reality. I was pregnant and now I am not. I was expecting a second son and now I am not. I really hate life today. I really hate myself today.

But when I pick up Aiden from daycare I will go back to being STRONG for him. Right this moment, I need to be WEAK for me.

Maybe I am a little angry

I can buy all the stuff that I want,
Lose all of the weight I can,
Run until I fall to the ground,
Cry until my eyes run dry.

But nothing will ever bring Caleb back.

I would like a re-deal in this bullshit hand that life dealt me.

One Month...

Since we said goodbye to Caleb.

I have been 'ok' for the last little while. Truthfully I have been keeping myself very busy. Avoiding this new surreal world. The problem with that is that eventually it all catches up with you. Well it caught up with me today.

I miss being pregnant. I miss having Caleb in my belly. I miss preparing for our 2nd child. When I look at Aiden I get sad because he won't have a little brother soon.

I hate this. Life is not fair and all I want to do right now is BREAK things.

FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK this world.

I have been busy.

I have been working when I can, exercising when I feel like it, de-cluttering my home, drinking wine and enjoying the company of my family and my friends. I have been really BUSY. 

Everyone thinks I am handling losing Caleb pretty well. The thing is I am not a person who likes to put my emotions on showcase. So when I face the world I slap on my smile and make everyone around me 'comfortable'.

Checking out is not an option for me so I can only move forward and move forward I shall! I get sad, really fucking sad and I cry, and I EMBRACE it all and then I carry on. Some days I don't want to do anything. I don't want to get out of bed, get showered or dressed. I just want to cry in bed all day.. but I can't and if I did it, just one day, then I would be falling back.

I will not let this depression absorb me. I have to be strong. If not for me, then for the men in my life who need me to be their mother and soul mate.

I should be into my third trimester now. I should be enjoying my pregnancy and getting everything ready for Caleb's arrival. Instead I am keeping busy and getting anything I don't like out of my life.

I hate this.