The Goddess of Always Being Broken: Akhilandeshvari

I learned about this fabulous goddess through one of the support forums I am part of. Here is a better description:

Akhilandeshvari literally means, in Sanskrit, “the goddess who is never not broken.” What a name! It sounds terrible to be her -- what a bummer to be constantly broken.

This goddess teaches us that being broken can be powerful. That those times in our lives where we feel confused, and lost, and unsure, and afraid; when our routines change or we lose someone we love, or our hearts are broken into pieces, that we are in one of the most powerful states we could possibly be in. If we can rein in our fears, be with them, and ride them rather than letting them control us, we can become one with the changeability of the tides and let them take us somewhere new.

 

This is such incredible inspiration to move forward. This is my new goddess! Thank you universe for connecting me to Akhilandeshvari.

 

Just breathe.

I finally ran tonight.

After Dan was nearly a half an hour late getting home.
After spending over an hour trying to get Aiden to bed.
After the universe reminding me of Caleb (even though I deserved it this time).

I ran. My lungs were burning and my heart was pounding and it felt fantastic.

In my head I feel like I am running in circles. I am doing all these things to move forward but the satisfaction from completing those things only lasts for a short period of time before I need to start the cycle again.

Maybe I need to stop trying. Maybe I should just let myself move as it wants. Lose control and just float and see where I land.

Maybe I just really miss having Caleb in my belly... where he should be.

As Eric Clapton says...

I must be strong and carry on....

While my subconscious grieves for Caleb my conscious is trying to keep busy and move forward.

It's pretty fucking hard.

This pain is incredibly strong and I find myself in more moments of anger... I will need to investigate a way to get this all out of my system.

Aiden is at grandmas so I have been spending the day finally catching up on my taxes. While sorting through my files I found my 'pregnancy folder'. In it was the blood work requisition form for my sugar test that will never be done, and a booklet on information about prenatal screening tests...

Of course I love to torture myself and had a quick read through it and now I am a teary eyed idiot.

My love for Caleb will never fade. 

Caleb's Heart Beat

Dan reminded me last week that I have Calebs heartbeat recorded on my phone.

Dan could not make it to the check up that day and it was the 1st time we would hear his heart beat so I recorded it.

I couldn't listen to it last week but I did today. The tears are flowing but I am so grateful to have this incredible memory of him.

I love and miss you much Caleb.

Caleb's Due Date

We met with our counselor for the first time today. She was incredible and it was nice to talk about everything that has happened.

We spoke about how my concentration and attention span is very low these days. It is normal and will pass. It is part of the grieving process.We spoke about how Dan and I compliment each other and how we truly are a great team. I love him more through this.

We spoke about Caleb's due date and how as it gets closer things will get harder. Dan and I have decided that instead of 'mourning' that day we are going to turn it into a family day... annually. Every year we will all take off work and school and spend the day as a family. We will make a donation in Caleb's name to one of the hospitals or foundations that have helped us through this horrible experience. We will go out and spend the day together and remind ourselves that even though Caleb is not here with us, he is in our hearts forever.

I hope it will make April 29th a much better day for us all.

Let's play pretend.

I can pretend to be ok.
I can laugh, smile and even crack jokes.

I can face the universe and its constant reminders of Caleb.
I can assure concerned family and friends that I will get through this.

But every so often the numb wears off and the pain burns thick.
Even my tears can't put out these fires.

So I let the flames die on their own.
I embrace the pain, guilt and loss.

Then I pretend to be ok again. 

Perspective

Before we found out there were complications with our baby, we learned that I had a low laying placenta. I was panicking because if my placenta never moved then it meant a possible c-section at birth. I remember telling my doctor that I could not handle having a c-section.

Now I wish that was my only problem.
In fact only having that problem would have been a blessing.
Happy fucking Monday.