Maybe I am a little angry

I can buy all the stuff that I want,
Lose all of the weight I can,
Run until I fall to the ground,
Cry until my eyes run dry.

But nothing will ever bring Caleb back.

I would like a re-deal in this bullshit hand that life dealt me.

One Month...

Since we said goodbye to Caleb.

I have been 'ok' for the last little while. Truthfully I have been keeping myself very busy. Avoiding this new surreal world. The problem with that is that eventually it all catches up with you. Well it caught up with me today.

I miss being pregnant. I miss having Caleb in my belly. I miss preparing for our 2nd child. When I look at Aiden I get sad because he won't have a little brother soon.

I hate this. Life is not fair and all I want to do right now is BREAK things.

FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK this world.

I have been busy.

I have been working when I can, exercising when I feel like it, de-cluttering my home, drinking wine and enjoying the company of my family and my friends. I have been really BUSY. 

Everyone thinks I am handling losing Caleb pretty well. The thing is I am not a person who likes to put my emotions on showcase. So when I face the world I slap on my smile and make everyone around me 'comfortable'.

Checking out is not an option for me so I can only move forward and move forward I shall! I get sad, really fucking sad and I cry, and I EMBRACE it all and then I carry on. Some days I don't want to do anything. I don't want to get out of bed, get showered or dressed. I just want to cry in bed all day.. but I can't and if I did it, just one day, then I would be falling back.

I will not let this depression absorb me. I have to be strong. If not for me, then for the men in my life who need me to be their mother and soul mate.

I should be into my third trimester now. I should be enjoying my pregnancy and getting everything ready for Caleb's arrival. Instead I am keeping busy and getting anything I don't like out of my life.

I hate this.

The Goddess of Always Being Broken: Akhilandeshvari

I learned about this fabulous goddess through one of the support forums I am part of. Here is a better description:

Akhilandeshvari literally means, in Sanskrit, “the goddess who is never not broken.” What a name! It sounds terrible to be her -- what a bummer to be constantly broken.

This goddess teaches us that being broken can be powerful. That those times in our lives where we feel confused, and lost, and unsure, and afraid; when our routines change or we lose someone we love, or our hearts are broken into pieces, that we are in one of the most powerful states we could possibly be in. If we can rein in our fears, be with them, and ride them rather than letting them control us, we can become one with the changeability of the tides and let them take us somewhere new.

 

This is such incredible inspiration to move forward. This is my new goddess! Thank you universe for connecting me to Akhilandeshvari.

 

Just breathe.

I finally ran tonight.

After Dan was nearly a half an hour late getting home.
After spending over an hour trying to get Aiden to bed.
After the universe reminding me of Caleb (even though I deserved it this time).

I ran. My lungs were burning and my heart was pounding and it felt fantastic.

In my head I feel like I am running in circles. I am doing all these things to move forward but the satisfaction from completing those things only lasts for a short period of time before I need to start the cycle again.

Maybe I need to stop trying. Maybe I should just let myself move as it wants. Lose control and just float and see where I land.

Maybe I just really miss having Caleb in my belly... where he should be.

As Eric Clapton says...

I must be strong and carry on....

While my subconscious grieves for Caleb my conscious is trying to keep busy and move forward.

It's pretty fucking hard.

This pain is incredibly strong and I find myself in more moments of anger... I will need to investigate a way to get this all out of my system.

Aiden is at grandmas so I have been spending the day finally catching up on my taxes. While sorting through my files I found my 'pregnancy folder'. In it was the blood work requisition form for my sugar test that will never be done, and a booklet on information about prenatal screening tests...

Of course I love to torture myself and had a quick read through it and now I am a teary eyed idiot.

My love for Caleb will never fade. 

Caleb's Heart Beat

Dan reminded me last week that I have Calebs heartbeat recorded on my phone.

Dan could not make it to the check up that day and it was the 1st time we would hear his heart beat so I recorded it.

I couldn't listen to it last week but I did today. The tears are flowing but I am so grateful to have this incredible memory of him.

I love and miss you much Caleb.