It is getting easier.

It happened.

I completely broke down and exploded with the raw emotions I have been feeling over the last few months. It was wine induced of course but it was also the beginning of the true path to peace for me.

I coincidentally had a scheduled counseling session the day after. I also decided it might be a good idea to speak to my doctor about my thoughts. We decided that I would begin taking an anti-anxiety and depression medication supported by regular counseling. This will last for 6 months at which point I will hopefully no longer require medication to deal with my emotions.

4 weeks after that decision this is what I can tell you. I have not had a drop of alcohol and I have put the cupcakes down. My mind feels more organized and I can begin to process my feelings one by one, filing them once complete. I am exercising and eating healthy (I have lost 9.2 pounds in the past 3 weeks). I am enjoying every moment with Aiden and beginning to have many better days and truly accepting what has happened.

My goal is to find peace and remove the anger, guilt and sadness from myself. It may take weeks, months, years or forever. But I am working on it.

There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of Caleb. I will always wonder about him and what his life could have been. He forever holds a very special part in my heart.

For my son that is with me, my soulmate that loves me, and myself... I must now find peace. 

Yesterday was my birthday...

And thanks to my wonderful partner, it was a pretty good day. I am forever in his debt for that because all I ever really wanted to do was lay on my couch all day drinking wine.

Thank you for not allowing me to fall down.

Caleb's estimated due date is 25 days away and every day that nears closer the more I think about him.

I never thought I would hate the month of April as much as I do now. It will forever symbolize the month my 2nd baby should have been born.

I have no other choice but to move forward.
This really sucks.

The Green Blanket

I signed up to be a vendor at a bake and craft sale that took place in late November. I had purchased a green blanket for Caleb while I was there. That day I stuffed it into my bag with all my other vendor supplies and it had been sitting in my trunk since last night.

DH was cleaning out the trunk and put the bag in my office. When I was going through it this morning I found the blanket. It will eventually make its way to Caleb's memory box but for now it will remain in my office.

It still feels like yesterday.

I have been busy.

This is how I am dealing with things. I get busy, and I eat lots of junk and drink lots of wine and just try to focus on the future. My future without Caleb.

I am so fucking angry and so incredibly sad and yet some how every single day I am able to put a smile on my face and pretend that I am not dying inside. I am only allowed to pretend for so long before those feeling leak out of my system and I am left crying uncontrollably.

So fuck you to the doctors and your bullshit tests and machines and diagnosis!
Fuck you to all the women out there who have perfect little babies!
Fuck you to the universe who just keeps knocking me down!

This is my reality. I was pregnant and now I am not. I was expecting a second son and now I am not. I really hate life today. I really hate myself today.

But when I pick up Aiden from daycare I will go back to being STRONG for him. Right this moment, I need to be WEAK for me.

Maybe I am a little angry

I can buy all the stuff that I want,
Lose all of the weight I can,
Run until I fall to the ground,
Cry until my eyes run dry.

But nothing will ever bring Caleb back.

I would like a re-deal in this bullshit hand that life dealt me.

One Month...

Since we said goodbye to Caleb.

I have been 'ok' for the last little while. Truthfully I have been keeping myself very busy. Avoiding this new surreal world. The problem with that is that eventually it all catches up with you. Well it caught up with me today.

I miss being pregnant. I miss having Caleb in my belly. I miss preparing for our 2nd child. When I look at Aiden I get sad because he won't have a little brother soon.

I hate this. Life is not fair and all I want to do right now is BREAK things.

FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK this world.

I have been busy.

I have been working when I can, exercising when I feel like it, de-cluttering my home, drinking wine and enjoying the company of my family and my friends. I have been really BUSY. 

Everyone thinks I am handling losing Caleb pretty well. The thing is I am not a person who likes to put my emotions on showcase. So when I face the world I slap on my smile and make everyone around me 'comfortable'.

Checking out is not an option for me so I can only move forward and move forward I shall! I get sad, really fucking sad and I cry, and I EMBRACE it all and then I carry on. Some days I don't want to do anything. I don't want to get out of bed, get showered or dressed. I just want to cry in bed all day.. but I can't and if I did it, just one day, then I would be falling back.

I will not let this depression absorb me. I have to be strong. If not for me, then for the men in my life who need me to be their mother and soul mate.

I should be into my third trimester now. I should be enjoying my pregnancy and getting everything ready for Caleb's arrival. Instead I am keeping busy and getting anything I don't like out of my life.

I hate this.

The Goddess of Always Being Broken: Akhilandeshvari

I learned about this fabulous goddess through one of the support forums I am part of. Here is a better description:

Akhilandeshvari literally means, in Sanskrit, “the goddess who is never not broken.” What a name! It sounds terrible to be her -- what a bummer to be constantly broken.

This goddess teaches us that being broken can be powerful. That those times in our lives where we feel confused, and lost, and unsure, and afraid; when our routines change or we lose someone we love, or our hearts are broken into pieces, that we are in one of the most powerful states we could possibly be in. If we can rein in our fears, be with them, and ride them rather than letting them control us, we can become one with the changeability of the tides and let them take us somewhere new.

 

This is such incredible inspiration to move forward. This is my new goddess! Thank you universe for connecting me to Akhilandeshvari.

 

Just breathe.

I finally ran tonight.

After Dan was nearly a half an hour late getting home.
After spending over an hour trying to get Aiden to bed.
After the universe reminding me of Caleb (even though I deserved it this time).

I ran. My lungs were burning and my heart was pounding and it felt fantastic.

In my head I feel like I am running in circles. I am doing all these things to move forward but the satisfaction from completing those things only lasts for a short period of time before I need to start the cycle again.

Maybe I need to stop trying. Maybe I should just let myself move as it wants. Lose control and just float and see where I land.

Maybe I just really miss having Caleb in my belly... where he should be.

As Eric Clapton says...

I must be strong and carry on....

While my subconscious grieves for Caleb my conscious is trying to keep busy and move forward.

It's pretty fucking hard.

This pain is incredibly strong and I find myself in more moments of anger... I will need to investigate a way to get this all out of my system.

Aiden is at grandmas so I have been spending the day finally catching up on my taxes. While sorting through my files I found my 'pregnancy folder'. In it was the blood work requisition form for my sugar test that will never be done, and a booklet on information about prenatal screening tests...

Of course I love to torture myself and had a quick read through it and now I am a teary eyed idiot.

My love for Caleb will never fade. 

Caleb's Heart Beat

Dan reminded me last week that I have Calebs heartbeat recorded on my phone.

Dan could not make it to the check up that day and it was the 1st time we would hear his heart beat so I recorded it.

I couldn't listen to it last week but I did today. The tears are flowing but I am so grateful to have this incredible memory of him.

I love and miss you much Caleb.

Caleb's Due Date

We met with our counselor for the first time today. She was incredible and it was nice to talk about everything that has happened.

We spoke about how my concentration and attention span is very low these days. It is normal and will pass. It is part of the grieving process.We spoke about how Dan and I compliment each other and how we truly are a great team. I love him more through this.

We spoke about Caleb's due date and how as it gets closer things will get harder. Dan and I have decided that instead of 'mourning' that day we are going to turn it into a family day... annually. Every year we will all take off work and school and spend the day as a family. We will make a donation in Caleb's name to one of the hospitals or foundations that have helped us through this horrible experience. We will go out and spend the day together and remind ourselves that even though Caleb is not here with us, he is in our hearts forever.

I hope it will make April 29th a much better day for us all.

Let's play pretend.

I can pretend to be ok.
I can laugh, smile and even crack jokes.

I can face the universe and its constant reminders of Caleb.
I can assure concerned family and friends that I will get through this.

But every so often the numb wears off and the pain burns thick.
Even my tears can't put out these fires.

So I let the flames die on their own.
I embrace the pain, guilt and loss.

Then I pretend to be ok again. 

Perspective

Before we found out there were complications with our baby, we learned that I had a low laying placenta. I was panicking because if my placenta never moved then it meant a possible c-section at birth. I remember telling my doctor that I could not handle having a c-section.

Now I wish that was my only problem.
In fact only having that problem would have been a blessing.
Happy fucking Monday.
 

The universe keeps slapping my face.

Why does the universe think its hilarious to constantly remind me of Caleb?

Dan ended up not working this Saturday morning so I decided to head back to boot camp early. I made it through the class. At the end I was waiting my turn to speak to the instructor when the girl speaking to him mentioned an upcoming fundraiser in memory of her deceased daughter. - I bolted and was able to keep it together until I got in my car.

Today Dan and I went for breakfast at this really nice restaurant. The gentleman sitting beside us started up a conversation and the mention of grand children came up. He proceeded to tell us that one was 8, another was 2 and there was a bun in the oven due at the end of April - I was due with Caleb April 29th. Dan quickly changed the conversation but the damage was done. I kept it together and chugged my mimosa.

There have been a couple other incidents similar to these. I know its probably just coincidence but every time it happens it rips the stitches that are holding my heart together.

This really sucks.

Caleb's Ashes

We picked up Caleb's ashes today.
He is sitting on my microwave, in a black box, in a silver urn.

This is real. He is not in my belly anymore. I feel numb.

One last thing

Another song that hit home for me. (Thank you to my friend who shared this on Facebook)

Smile

Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it’s breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
you’ll get by

If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You’ll see the sun come shining through
for you
Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness Although a tear may be ever so near
That’s the time you must keep on trying

Smile what’s the use of crying
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile
If you’ll just
Smile

The art of socialization

Tonight Dan and I will be stepping out together in our first social situation since we lost Caleb. Thankfully most friends we are seeing tonight already know what has happened and those who don't have signed a 'do not mention baby' clause (I am kidding but you get it).

Part of me wants to go and get it done with. Another part of me just wants to stay home and watch Grey's Anatomy. However our babysitter is already booked and I need to move forward so here we go.

I have already had my daily dose of tears and I am trying to stay productive today. I have been catching up on work and will probably spend lunch time cleaning (the maids aka me were off for a couple of weeks).

I almost forgot: We have an appointment with our doctor after work today. I wonder if she will think I am fucked up enough to give me a prescription for something that will make me numb? Ahhh a girl can dream. ;)

I love you Caleb.

Shopping Complete

I did it.

I went shopping and bought myself some new running shoes and some comfy work out clothes. As I was walking to the cash register I look up and see one of my sisters friends. My heart skips a beat because I know what is about to happen:

Her: Hey! How are you? When are you due?
Me: I'm not (insert held back water works here)
Her: Oh.... I am so sorry (insert her watery eyes here)
Me: Its ok just...
Her: How's Aiden... how is Dan?
Me: I can't talk... (this is where she runs off to the cashier waiting for her and I try to keep it together)

It appears the universe hates my guts and thinks it hilarious to kick me when I am already down. On my drive home I thought about how this could be avoided in the future.

You see my sisters friend only knew I was pregnant because I had posted about it on Facebook. I have not however posted about my loss on Facebook... I just cant do it... but here is what I can do.

Post subtle pictures like this with the caption: "Ready to run again #myowntherapy"

And just for in case anyone is still not sure what is going on when they see that, tomorrow I plan on posting this: "Having a glass... or a bottle"

If I need to cry I misewhile laugh too.

I wish it was updates about Caleb I was posting.
I miss my baby.

Today was ok.

The day is almost over and I have yet to shed a tear. I had to go into Walmart this morning and ahead of me in line was a mom with her baby. I watched as she oogled him and then the cashier oogled him and then I almost lost it. I almost ran.

I could feel my eyes begin to burn and then I took a very deep breathe.
Today I survived.

I spent a lot of time focusing on getting active again. If I can find the time and feel up to it then I am going to go and buy new running shoes and some work out clothes tomorrow. I reactivated my boot camp membership and will be registering for a local 5km happening at the end of March.

I want to run. I want to feel Caleb again. I want to survive all of this.

One day at a time.