The Green Blanket

I signed up to be a vendor at a bake and craft sale that took place in late November. I had purchased a green blanket for Caleb while I was there. That day I stuffed it into my bag with all my other vendor supplies and it had been sitting in my trunk since last night.

DH was cleaning out the trunk and put the bag in my office. When I was going through it this morning I found the blanket. It will eventually make its way to Caleb's memory box but for now it will remain in my office.

It still feels like yesterday.

I have been busy.

This is how I am dealing with things. I get busy, and I eat lots of junk and drink lots of wine and just try to focus on the future. My future without Caleb.

I am so fucking angry and so incredibly sad and yet some how every single day I am able to put a smile on my face and pretend that I am not dying inside. I am only allowed to pretend for so long before those feeling leak out of my system and I am left crying uncontrollably.

So fuck you to the doctors and your bullshit tests and machines and diagnosis!
Fuck you to all the women out there who have perfect little babies!
Fuck you to the universe who just keeps knocking me down!

This is my reality. I was pregnant and now I am not. I was expecting a second son and now I am not. I really hate life today. I really hate myself today.

But when I pick up Aiden from daycare I will go back to being STRONG for him. Right this moment, I need to be WEAK for me.