It is getting easier.

It happened.

I completely broke down and exploded with the raw emotions I have been feeling over the last few months. It was wine induced of course but it was also the beginning of the true path to peace for me.

I coincidentally had a scheduled counseling session the day after. I also decided it might be a good idea to speak to my doctor about my thoughts. We decided that I would begin taking an anti-anxiety and depression medication supported by regular counseling. This will last for 6 months at which point I will hopefully no longer require medication to deal with my emotions.

4 weeks after that decision this is what I can tell you. I have not had a drop of alcohol and I have put the cupcakes down. My mind feels more organized and I can begin to process my feelings one by one, filing them once complete. I am exercising and eating healthy (I have lost 9.2 pounds in the past 3 weeks). I am enjoying every moment with Aiden and beginning to have many better days and truly accepting what has happened.

My goal is to find peace and remove the anger, guilt and sadness from myself. It may take weeks, months, years or forever. But I am working on it.

There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of Caleb. I will always wonder about him and what his life could have been. He forever holds a very special part in my heart.

For my son that is with me, my soulmate that loves me, and myself... I must now find peace. 

Yesterday was my birthday...

And thanks to my wonderful partner, it was a pretty good day. I am forever in his debt for that because all I ever really wanted to do was lay on my couch all day drinking wine.

Thank you for not allowing me to fall down.

Caleb's estimated due date is 25 days away and every day that nears closer the more I think about him.

I never thought I would hate the month of April as much as I do now. It will forever symbolize the month my 2nd baby should have been born.

I have no other choice but to move forward.
This really sucks.

The Green Blanket

I signed up to be a vendor at a bake and craft sale that took place in late November. I had purchased a green blanket for Caleb while I was there. That day I stuffed it into my bag with all my other vendor supplies and it had been sitting in my trunk since last night.

DH was cleaning out the trunk and put the bag in my office. When I was going through it this morning I found the blanket. It will eventually make its way to Caleb's memory box but for now it will remain in my office.

It still feels like yesterday.

I have been busy.

This is how I am dealing with things. I get busy, and I eat lots of junk and drink lots of wine and just try to focus on the future. My future without Caleb.

I am so fucking angry and so incredibly sad and yet some how every single day I am able to put a smile on my face and pretend that I am not dying inside. I am only allowed to pretend for so long before those feeling leak out of my system and I am left crying uncontrollably.

So fuck you to the doctors and your bullshit tests and machines and diagnosis!
Fuck you to all the women out there who have perfect little babies!
Fuck you to the universe who just keeps knocking me down!

This is my reality. I was pregnant and now I am not. I was expecting a second son and now I am not. I really hate life today. I really hate myself today.

But when I pick up Aiden from daycare I will go back to being STRONG for him. Right this moment, I need to be WEAK for me.

Maybe I am a little angry

I can buy all the stuff that I want,
Lose all of the weight I can,
Run until I fall to the ground,
Cry until my eyes run dry.

But nothing will ever bring Caleb back.

I would like a re-deal in this bullshit hand that life dealt me.

One Month...

Since we said goodbye to Caleb.

I have been 'ok' for the last little while. Truthfully I have been keeping myself very busy. Avoiding this new surreal world. The problem with that is that eventually it all catches up with you. Well it caught up with me today.

I miss being pregnant. I miss having Caleb in my belly. I miss preparing for our 2nd child. When I look at Aiden I get sad because he won't have a little brother soon.

I hate this. Life is not fair and all I want to do right now is BREAK things.

FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK this world.

I have been busy.

I have been working when I can, exercising when I feel like it, de-cluttering my home, drinking wine and enjoying the company of my family and my friends. I have been really BUSY. 

Everyone thinks I am handling losing Caleb pretty well. The thing is I am not a person who likes to put my emotions on showcase. So when I face the world I slap on my smile and make everyone around me 'comfortable'.

Checking out is not an option for me so I can only move forward and move forward I shall! I get sad, really fucking sad and I cry, and I EMBRACE it all and then I carry on. Some days I don't want to do anything. I don't want to get out of bed, get showered or dressed. I just want to cry in bed all day.. but I can't and if I did it, just one day, then I would be falling back.

I will not let this depression absorb me. I have to be strong. If not for me, then for the men in my life who need me to be their mother and soul mate.

I should be into my third trimester now. I should be enjoying my pregnancy and getting everything ready for Caleb's arrival. Instead I am keeping busy and getting anything I don't like out of my life.

I hate this.

The Goddess of Always Being Broken: Akhilandeshvari

I learned about this fabulous goddess through one of the support forums I am part of. Here is a better description:

Akhilandeshvari literally means, in Sanskrit, “the goddess who is never not broken.” What a name! It sounds terrible to be her -- what a bummer to be constantly broken.

This goddess teaches us that being broken can be powerful. That those times in our lives where we feel confused, and lost, and unsure, and afraid; when our routines change or we lose someone we love, or our hearts are broken into pieces, that we are in one of the most powerful states we could possibly be in. If we can rein in our fears, be with them, and ride them rather than letting them control us, we can become one with the changeability of the tides and let them take us somewhere new.

 

This is such incredible inspiration to move forward. This is my new goddess! Thank you universe for connecting me to Akhilandeshvari.

 

Just breathe.

I finally ran tonight.

After Dan was nearly a half an hour late getting home.
After spending over an hour trying to get Aiden to bed.
After the universe reminding me of Caleb (even though I deserved it this time).

I ran. My lungs were burning and my heart was pounding and it felt fantastic.

In my head I feel like I am running in circles. I am doing all these things to move forward but the satisfaction from completing those things only lasts for a short period of time before I need to start the cycle again.

Maybe I need to stop trying. Maybe I should just let myself move as it wants. Lose control and just float and see where I land.

Maybe I just really miss having Caleb in my belly... where he should be.

As Eric Clapton says...

I must be strong and carry on....

While my subconscious grieves for Caleb my conscious is trying to keep busy and move forward.

It's pretty fucking hard.

This pain is incredibly strong and I find myself in more moments of anger... I will need to investigate a way to get this all out of my system.

Aiden is at grandmas so I have been spending the day finally catching up on my taxes. While sorting through my files I found my 'pregnancy folder'. In it was the blood work requisition form for my sugar test that will never be done, and a booklet on information about prenatal screening tests...

Of course I love to torture myself and had a quick read through it and now I am a teary eyed idiot.

My love for Caleb will never fade. 

Caleb's Heart Beat

Dan reminded me last week that I have Calebs heartbeat recorded on my phone.

Dan could not make it to the check up that day and it was the 1st time we would hear his heart beat so I recorded it.

I couldn't listen to it last week but I did today. The tears are flowing but I am so grateful to have this incredible memory of him.

I love and miss you much Caleb.

Caleb's Due Date

We met with our counselor for the first time today. She was incredible and it was nice to talk about everything that has happened.

We spoke about how my concentration and attention span is very low these days. It is normal and will pass. It is part of the grieving process.We spoke about how Dan and I compliment each other and how we truly are a great team. I love him more through this.

We spoke about Caleb's due date and how as it gets closer things will get harder. Dan and I have decided that instead of 'mourning' that day we are going to turn it into a family day... annually. Every year we will all take off work and school and spend the day as a family. We will make a donation in Caleb's name to one of the hospitals or foundations that have helped us through this horrible experience. We will go out and spend the day together and remind ourselves that even though Caleb is not here with us, he is in our hearts forever.

I hope it will make April 29th a much better day for us all.

Let's play pretend.

I can pretend to be ok.
I can laugh, smile and even crack jokes.

I can face the universe and its constant reminders of Caleb.
I can assure concerned family and friends that I will get through this.

But every so often the numb wears off and the pain burns thick.
Even my tears can't put out these fires.

So I let the flames die on their own.
I embrace the pain, guilt and loss.

Then I pretend to be ok again. 

Perspective

Before we found out there were complications with our baby, we learned that I had a low laying placenta. I was panicking because if my placenta never moved then it meant a possible c-section at birth. I remember telling my doctor that I could not handle having a c-section.

Now I wish that was my only problem.
In fact only having that problem would have been a blessing.
Happy fucking Monday.
 

The universe keeps slapping my face.

Why does the universe think its hilarious to constantly remind me of Caleb?

Dan ended up not working this Saturday morning so I decided to head back to boot camp early. I made it through the class. At the end I was waiting my turn to speak to the instructor when the girl speaking to him mentioned an upcoming fundraiser in memory of her deceased daughter. - I bolted and was able to keep it together until I got in my car.

Today Dan and I went for breakfast at this really nice restaurant. The gentleman sitting beside us started up a conversation and the mention of grand children came up. He proceeded to tell us that one was 8, another was 2 and there was a bun in the oven due at the end of April - I was due with Caleb April 29th. Dan quickly changed the conversation but the damage was done. I kept it together and chugged my mimosa.

There have been a couple other incidents similar to these. I know its probably just coincidence but every time it happens it rips the stitches that are holding my heart together.

This really sucks.

Caleb's Ashes

We picked up Caleb's ashes today.
He is sitting on my microwave, in a black box, in a silver urn.

This is real. He is not in my belly anymore. I feel numb.

One last thing

Another song that hit home for me. (Thank you to my friend who shared this on Facebook)

Smile

Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it’s breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
you’ll get by

If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You’ll see the sun come shining through
for you
Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness Although a tear may be ever so near
That’s the time you must keep on trying

Smile what’s the use of crying
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile
If you’ll just
Smile

The art of socialization

Tonight Dan and I will be stepping out together in our first social situation since we lost Caleb. Thankfully most friends we are seeing tonight already know what has happened and those who don't have signed a 'do not mention baby' clause (I am kidding but you get it).

Part of me wants to go and get it done with. Another part of me just wants to stay home and watch Grey's Anatomy. However our babysitter is already booked and I need to move forward so here we go.

I have already had my daily dose of tears and I am trying to stay productive today. I have been catching up on work and will probably spend lunch time cleaning (the maids aka me were off for a couple of weeks).

I almost forgot: We have an appointment with our doctor after work today. I wonder if she will think I am fucked up enough to give me a prescription for something that will make me numb? Ahhh a girl can dream. ;)

I love you Caleb.

Shopping Complete

I did it.

I went shopping and bought myself some new running shoes and some comfy work out clothes. As I was walking to the cash register I look up and see one of my sisters friends. My heart skips a beat because I know what is about to happen:

Her: Hey! How are you? When are you due?
Me: I'm not (insert held back water works here)
Her: Oh.... I am so sorry (insert her watery eyes here)
Me: Its ok just...
Her: How's Aiden... how is Dan?
Me: I can't talk... (this is where she runs off to the cashier waiting for her and I try to keep it together)

It appears the universe hates my guts and thinks it hilarious to kick me when I am already down. On my drive home I thought about how this could be avoided in the future.

You see my sisters friend only knew I was pregnant because I had posted about it on Facebook. I have not however posted about my loss on Facebook... I just cant do it... but here is what I can do.

Post subtle pictures like this with the caption: "Ready to run again #myowntherapy"

And just for in case anyone is still not sure what is going on when they see that, tomorrow I plan on posting this: "Having a glass... or a bottle"

If I need to cry I misewhile laugh too.

I wish it was updates about Caleb I was posting.
I miss my baby.

Today was ok.

The day is almost over and I have yet to shed a tear. I had to go into Walmart this morning and ahead of me in line was a mom with her baby. I watched as she oogled him and then the cashier oogled him and then I almost lost it. I almost ran.

I could feel my eyes begin to burn and then I took a very deep breathe.
Today I survived.

I spent a lot of time focusing on getting active again. If I can find the time and feel up to it then I am going to go and buy new running shoes and some work out clothes tomorrow. I reactivated my boot camp membership and will be registering for a local 5km happening at the end of March.

I want to run. I want to feel Caleb again. I want to survive all of this.

One day at a time.

My sleep is messed up.

I fell asleep tonight while putting Aiden to bed and woke up past midnight because toddler beds are not very comfortable... Guess who is wide awake now?

We have a follow up appointment with our family doctor on Thursday. I think she wants to make sure we are doing ok. At this point I would love to check out but know that is not an option... I will get through this.

Did your doctor put you on any medication to deal with all the emotions after losing your baby?

We also have our very first appointment with our grief counselor next Wednesday - exactly 2 weeks after losing Caleb. Should I mention that I started a blog or will she think I am a nut case for airing our my feelings with complete strangers? - Which by the way is much easier than with friends and family... weird right?

Before I became pregnant I went to boot camp regularly and did a lot of running. I have this theory that if I start running again then I will be able to feel Caleb with me. Like he will be flying above my head with his little angel wings fluttering. I know it sounds crazy but who knows.

I promised myself I would get active again before the end of January. Sitting on my ass, crying and eating Twinkies is much easier but I need to move forward.

Monday

Everything is back to a regular schedule in our household. Dan (my partner) is at work, my son at daycare and I should be working away on a client's project. Instead I am spending 15 minutes thinking about the project and then 15 minutes cleaning something in our house and then time in between thinking about Caleb.

I can not focus on anything. I space out all the time now. I am not really here. This is all a dream...
At least I wish it was.

I feel like every thing is still moving around me but my own life has stopped. I am trying to get it to restart itself and move forward but it is really hard to move.

I miss having Caleb in my belly.
He should be there kicking away and he is not.
Today is a not so great day.

Laying in Bed

I finally decided to go to bed after an episode of Girls and a glass of wine. As I laid there I started rubbing my belly and realized I didn't feel any kicks... Caleb isn't there anymore. Fuck this is hard.

I am blessed.

Last night while reflecting on everything that has happened over the past month, I forgot one important thing: I am blessed.

I am blessed to already have a beautiful little boy who lights up my life. Who needs me to keep it together and be his mom. Who loves me unconditionally.

I am also blessed to have a wonderful partner. A man who has kept it together for me and has been my rock throughout this entire experience.

I remember our first appointment with the specialist and after she had finished explaining everything and I had gotten all of my tears out I said "it could be worse". She looked at me like I was nuts, but the truth is, it could be.

It could be that we had been trying for a long time to get pregnant, that this was our first pregnancy or that we had invested lots of money to have our child. None of those are the case and to any mother who this has been the case for, I am sorry.

So I will continue to cry every day for Caleb. When the light shines through the dark clouds I will remind myself the things I have to be thankful for and not the things I want to hate the world for.

My last post today. I promise.

I have probably listened to this song 100 times now. It is so simple but beautiful and basically translates exactly how I feel. Do you have a song to help you deal with your loss?

Maroon 5 - Sad

Man, it's been a long day
Stuck thinking 'bout it driving on the freeway
Wondering if I really tried everything I could
Not knowing if I should try a little harder

Oh, but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread

I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The place that you needed to have
I'm so sad, saaad

Man, it's been a long night
Just sitting here, trying not to look back
Still looking at the road we never drove on
And wondering if the one I chose was the right one
Oh, but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread

I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The place that you needed to have
I'm so sad, saaad
I'm so sad, so sad

Oh, but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread

I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The place that you needed to have
And I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
I'm so sad, so sad

Day 3

It is now 3 days since we lost Caleb. I remember the day of, I felt so peaceful after. Like the stress, anger, anxiety and fear that had been haunting me for weeks was now gone. Now I just had to feel sad.

The following day my partner stayed home with me. He went to the funeral home with his mom to take care of having Caleb cremated. He took care of picking up and dropping off our other son to daycare. He made sure I ate that day. When I finally broke down right before bed he cuddled me until I fell asleep.

Day 2 was a little different. My partner still drove our son to and from daycare but he also went to work. I was alone. I worked and cried throughout the day... and I cried some more in the evening and when going to bed.

Today my partner had to work again and this time I was alone for the morning with our son. It was hard. Time went slow and I tried to keep smiling. The truth is I just want to lay in bed all day and cry. I want to occasionally get up just to smash something to bits and pieces but overall I just want to live in bed. I know that is not an option.

When my son and I woke up from our nap my partner was home. He was watching football and doing laundry - trying to be strong and helpful for me. I on the other hand was following our son around the house while wiping tears away from my face. Eventually I broke down and my partner was kind enough to take our son down to his moms house for a couple hours.

So here I am. Trying to be somewhat productive. I have decided that these emotions are too strong for me to bottle in or even properly discuss with another human being. I think if I just write about how I feel then I will be able to keep sane.

I hope this works. 

Living After Losing Caleb

On January 9th, 2013 we had the unfortunate experience of having to lose our unborn baby boy at nearly 24 weeks pregnant. This is my story about living after losing Caleb.

If you have also lost an unborn child for whatever reason then I hope my experience can help you get through your tough time; and maybe visa versa.

Thank you.