I can buy all the stuff that I want,
Lose all of the weight I can,
Run until I fall to the ground,
Cry until my eyes run dry.
But nothing will ever bring Caleb back.
I would like a re-deal in this bullshit hand that life dealt me.
Wednesday 13 February 2013
Saturday 9 February 2013
One Month...
Since we said goodbye to Caleb.
I have been 'ok' for the last little while. Truthfully I have been keeping myself very busy. Avoiding this new surreal world. The problem with that is that eventually it all catches up with you. Well it caught up with me today.
I miss being pregnant. I miss having Caleb in my belly. I miss preparing for our 2nd child. When I look at Aiden I get sad because he won't have a little brother soon.
I hate this. Life is not fair and all I want to do right now is BREAK things.
FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK this world.
I have been 'ok' for the last little while. Truthfully I have been keeping myself very busy. Avoiding this new surreal world. The problem with that is that eventually it all catches up with you. Well it caught up with me today.
I miss being pregnant. I miss having Caleb in my belly. I miss preparing for our 2nd child. When I look at Aiden I get sad because he won't have a little brother soon.
I hate this. Life is not fair and all I want to do right now is BREAK things.
FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK this world.
Monday 4 February 2013
I have been busy.
I have been working when I can, exercising when I feel like it, de-cluttering my home, drinking wine and enjoying the company of my family and my friends. I have been really BUSY.
Everyone thinks I am handling losing Caleb pretty well. The thing is I am not a person who likes to put my emotions on showcase. So when I face the world I slap on my smile and make everyone around me 'comfortable'.
Checking out is not an option for me so I can only move forward and move forward I shall! I get sad, really fucking sad and I cry, and I EMBRACE it all and then I carry on. Some days I don't want to do anything. I don't want to get out of bed, get showered or dressed. I just want to cry in bed all day.. but I can't and if I did it, just one day, then I would be falling back.
I will not let this depression absorb me. I have to be strong. If not for me, then for the men in my life who need me to be their mother and soul mate.
I should be into my third trimester now. I should be enjoying my pregnancy and getting everything ready for Caleb's arrival. Instead I am keeping busy and getting anything I don't like out of my life.
I hate this.
Everyone thinks I am handling losing Caleb pretty well. The thing is I am not a person who likes to put my emotions on showcase. So when I face the world I slap on my smile and make everyone around me 'comfortable'.
Checking out is not an option for me so I can only move forward and move forward I shall! I get sad, really fucking sad and I cry, and I EMBRACE it all and then I carry on. Some days I don't want to do anything. I don't want to get out of bed, get showered or dressed. I just want to cry in bed all day.. but I can't and if I did it, just one day, then I would be falling back.
I will not let this depression absorb me. I have to be strong. If not for me, then for the men in my life who need me to be their mother and soul mate.
I should be into my third trimester now. I should be enjoying my pregnancy and getting everything ready for Caleb's arrival. Instead I am keeping busy and getting anything I don't like out of my life.
I hate this.
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