The Green Blanket

I signed up to be a vendor at a bake and craft sale that took place in late November. I had purchased a green blanket for Caleb while I was there. That day I stuffed it into my bag with all my other vendor supplies and it had been sitting in my trunk since last night.

DH was cleaning out the trunk and put the bag in my office. When I was going through it this morning I found the blanket. It will eventually make its way to Caleb's memory box but for now it will remain in my office.

It still feels like yesterday.

I have been busy.

This is how I am dealing with things. I get busy, and I eat lots of junk and drink lots of wine and just try to focus on the future. My future without Caleb.

I am so fucking angry and so incredibly sad and yet some how every single day I am able to put a smile on my face and pretend that I am not dying inside. I am only allowed to pretend for so long before those feeling leak out of my system and I am left crying uncontrollably.

So fuck you to the doctors and your bullshit tests and machines and diagnosis!
Fuck you to all the women out there who have perfect little babies!
Fuck you to the universe who just keeps knocking me down!

This is my reality. I was pregnant and now I am not. I was expecting a second son and now I am not. I really hate life today. I really hate myself today.

But when I pick up Aiden from daycare I will go back to being STRONG for him. Right this moment, I need to be WEAK for me.

Maybe I am a little angry

I can buy all the stuff that I want,
Lose all of the weight I can,
Run until I fall to the ground,
Cry until my eyes run dry.

But nothing will ever bring Caleb back.

I would like a re-deal in this bullshit hand that life dealt me.

One Month...

Since we said goodbye to Caleb.

I have been 'ok' for the last little while. Truthfully I have been keeping myself very busy. Avoiding this new surreal world. The problem with that is that eventually it all catches up with you. Well it caught up with me today.

I miss being pregnant. I miss having Caleb in my belly. I miss preparing for our 2nd child. When I look at Aiden I get sad because he won't have a little brother soon.

I hate this. Life is not fair and all I want to do right now is BREAK things.

FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK this world.

I have been busy.

I have been working when I can, exercising when I feel like it, de-cluttering my home, drinking wine and enjoying the company of my family and my friends. I have been really BUSY. 

Everyone thinks I am handling losing Caleb pretty well. The thing is I am not a person who likes to put my emotions on showcase. So when I face the world I slap on my smile and make everyone around me 'comfortable'.

Checking out is not an option for me so I can only move forward and move forward I shall! I get sad, really fucking sad and I cry, and I EMBRACE it all and then I carry on. Some days I don't want to do anything. I don't want to get out of bed, get showered or dressed. I just want to cry in bed all day.. but I can't and if I did it, just one day, then I would be falling back.

I will not let this depression absorb me. I have to be strong. If not for me, then for the men in my life who need me to be their mother and soul mate.

I should be into my third trimester now. I should be enjoying my pregnancy and getting everything ready for Caleb's arrival. Instead I am keeping busy and getting anything I don't like out of my life.

I hate this.

The Goddess of Always Being Broken: Akhilandeshvari

I learned about this fabulous goddess through one of the support forums I am part of. Here is a better description:

Akhilandeshvari literally means, in Sanskrit, “the goddess who is never not broken.” What a name! It sounds terrible to be her -- what a bummer to be constantly broken.

This goddess teaches us that being broken can be powerful. That those times in our lives where we feel confused, and lost, and unsure, and afraid; when our routines change or we lose someone we love, or our hearts are broken into pieces, that we are in one of the most powerful states we could possibly be in. If we can rein in our fears, be with them, and ride them rather than letting them control us, we can become one with the changeability of the tides and let them take us somewhere new.

 

This is such incredible inspiration to move forward. This is my new goddess! Thank you universe for connecting me to Akhilandeshvari.

 

Just breathe.

I finally ran tonight.

After Dan was nearly a half an hour late getting home.
After spending over an hour trying to get Aiden to bed.
After the universe reminding me of Caleb (even though I deserved it this time).

I ran. My lungs were burning and my heart was pounding and it felt fantastic.

In my head I feel like I am running in circles. I am doing all these things to move forward but the satisfaction from completing those things only lasts for a short period of time before I need to start the cycle again.

Maybe I need to stop trying. Maybe I should just let myself move as it wants. Lose control and just float and see where I land.

Maybe I just really miss having Caleb in my belly... where he should be.