Day 3

It is now 3 days since we lost Caleb. I remember the day of, I felt so peaceful after. Like the stress, anger, anxiety and fear that had been haunting me for weeks was now gone. Now I just had to feel sad.

The following day my partner stayed home with me. He went to the funeral home with his mom to take care of having Caleb cremated. He took care of picking up and dropping off our other son to daycare. He made sure I ate that day. When I finally broke down right before bed he cuddled me until I fell asleep.

Day 2 was a little different. My partner still drove our son to and from daycare but he also went to work. I was alone. I worked and cried throughout the day... and I cried some more in the evening and when going to bed.

Today my partner had to work again and this time I was alone for the morning with our son. It was hard. Time went slow and I tried to keep smiling. The truth is I just want to lay in bed all day and cry. I want to occasionally get up just to smash something to bits and pieces but overall I just want to live in bed. I know that is not an option.

When my son and I woke up from our nap my partner was home. He was watching football and doing laundry - trying to be strong and helpful for me. I on the other hand was following our son around the house while wiping tears away from my face. Eventually I broke down and my partner was kind enough to take our son down to his moms house for a couple hours.

So here I am. Trying to be somewhat productive. I have decided that these emotions are too strong for me to bottle in or even properly discuss with another human being. I think if I just write about how I feel then I will be able to keep sane.

I hope this works.